Shut Up and kiss me
by remuslover101
Summary: "I had been foolish; to say something in front of that many people, tonight of all nights when we had lost the greatest mind the world had ever seen." My take on what happened between Remus and Tonks after they left the hospital wing in HBP. ONE-SHOT


**{A/N: Thanks to ****nerdyhbic****again for the prompt. Obviously don't own Harry Potter but it would be nice if I did. Please read and REVIEW! }**

My heart ached with grief. Grief for Dumbledore, grief for Bill and grief for myself. I know thinking about myself at such a time was selfish, that my petty relationship problems were not of great importance tonight, but as I saw Fleur, of all people, pledge her love for Bill regardless of what had happened, I just couldn't help myself. The anger and longing I had been holding in for nearly a year now erupted out of me in a way I couldn't control. My heart had begun beating faster against my ribs and the only thing that existed was my agreement and Remus' face. I had been foolish; to say something in front of that many people, tonight of all nights when we had lost the greatest mind the world had ever seen. I knew I had completely ruined any chances of Remus changing his mind. I walked steadily down the corridor; my own footsteps were the only thing stopping me from breaking down right there.  
When did I become so reliant on a man? How had I allowed this to happen to me, I couldn't morph or concentrate or even smile properly. I wasn't happy go-lucky Nymphadora Tonks anymore, I was a ghost. It felt as though the entire would was pressing itself in on me, stifling my breath, a hard weight on my chest. Nightmares had plagued me since the day Sirius died. Terrible dreams filled with my deranged aunt's laughter, watching as friend after friend hit the floor, cold and dead in front of me. Only to wake up and realise that that was reality now, that these things can and will happen. It seemed as though these dreams only strengthened my longing for Remus Lupin, whose face frequently appeared in my dreams, screaming out as Fenrir Greyback ripped him limb from limb as my aunt forced me to watch. He could die out there, news could reach me tomorrow that he was no longer with us, and I'd never know what it felt like to hear him tell me he loved me. Even Dumbledore wasn't invincible.  
Worry ate away at me and fear made me as jumpy and as paranoid as Mad-eye, prone to stalking shadows and trusting no one. I had spent quite a few of my nights in Hogsmeade drowning my woes in Firewiskey until I no longer saw Sirius' smile or heard Remus' gentle chuckle, until I could forget I, or anyone else, even existed in the first place, until Aberforth Dumbledore would refuse to give me anymore and roughly escort me to my room.  
Though my morphing had suffered from my time wrapped up in my own sadness my magic hadn't, and I was still a valuable member of both the order and the Auror department. I knew this meant I should try harder, keep sober and aware, but I couldn't. I was so tired and miserable. I was broken. Laughter had been sucked out of my life as quickly as Remus had said goodbye. It wasn't as though his presence would fix everything, make the war go away, but his love would stop the aching loneliness and the constant anxiety for his safety. His presence wouldn't fix things, but make them bearable. Yet I had destroyed all chance of that. 

I wanted to curl up and cry, shout at the world and tell it how unfair it was. I forced my legs to work, moving me quicker through the halls now, but the inevitable tears began before I had even made it to the entrance hall. By the time I had got half way across the field loud sobs racked my body and the anguish I held in was let out violently. I couldn't stifle my sobs even if I tried, not that I tried very hard, and soon my legs gave way. I felt shame burning in my stomach at showing such weakness but I found I couldn't move, I just kneeled there, hunched over in a ball, as the tears I hadn't let fall in months exploded out of me. I didn't hear the footsteps behind me, or the worried voice calling my name, I didn't hear him come up behind me and talk hurriedly to me. I didn't even notice he was there until his thin arms were lifting me off my feet. I knew who it was without looking, his calming aroma filling my nostrils as my head was pushed into his chest while he walked. No words were spoken, there was nothing to be said, and so my continual sobs were the only sound that passed between us as he carried me towards Hogwarts' gates. He apperated quickly as soon as it as possible to do so, with me still clinging onto him tightly. By now my sobs had quietened into whimpers and sniffles but he continued to hold me as we entered his house and sat down on the couch. I had only ever seen the outside, he as very shy about letting people see where he lived. It had belonged to his parents, and most ,if not all, of the decorations they had put in place remained, even though his parents presence did not. A thick layer of dust covered everything and the faded paint was peeling in giant chunks. It was clear that even Remus had not been back here in some time.  
He had sat me on his knee, like one would with a small child and I could feel the bone of his leg worryingly clear against my backside but I ignored and let myself be held and rocked into silence. Eventually the tears stopped and Remus drew me away from his body, as if realising the impact of what he had just done.  
"Thank you" I said softly, getting off the couch and beginning to walk towards the door. "I'll leave you alone now Remus"  
"Dora …..Tonks .. I … wait" He cried, his hoarse voice panicked. "I don't know what to say"  
"You don't have to say anything Remus, I get it you don't love me. Don't worry about it" I muttered, I could feel the painful burning in my throat once more but I had no more tears to cry.  
"But I do love you!" he exclaimed wildly. "I love you so much that it hurts, I've put you through so much, hurt you so many times and you're still here. You still tell me you want me and I don't understand Dora. I don't understand how you can tell me you love me after you've seen first-hand what my kind can do"  
"I love you Remus, there is nothing else to understand. That's why I keep coming back, that's why I'm still here. Love. That's what makes all of your arguments complete rubbish because, as I've already said, I don't care about that stuff. " The anger began bubbling up in my throat, every fibre in my body wanting to match Remus Lupin blow for blow. "How can you not understand that"  
"Dora it's you who doesn't seem to understand the dangers. I could kill you in an instant if you got too close on a full moon, everyone would hate you, and your life would be in terrible danger. You don't know what danger is really like" It was obvious to me now that Remus, too, was giving in to his urges.  
"I don't know what danger is like? Remus, I've been training to deal with anger since I as 18, I have been on countless missions for the order and the ministry in which I could have died. I ended up in hospital twice this year alone after being outnumbered significantly by death eaters. Don't tell me I don't know what danger is"  
"no one told me you had been ...  
"That's not the point Remus! The point is that you can't put me in any more danger than I already am in. You're not old at all Remus, 13 years is nothing really and I'm a grown woman I can make my own choices. As for being poor do you really think that I'm that disgusting shallow that I care how much money you have?"  
"Dora …." But he seemed at a loss for what to say  
"I love you Remus, I love you so much I don't know what to do anymore… But I need you to decide whether or not you love me too. I can't keep waiting for you like this. If you don't love me say it and let me go about my life without false hope. Say it and you never have to see me again. I will leave you alone, I can't make you love me." I reached out and grabbed the door knob, clutching it tightly, before Remus' hand came down hard upon my own.  
"This isn't about love Dora. Of course I love you, I thought that was so obvious. I'd go to the ends of the world for you which is why we can't be together, I've lost everyone I've ever loved, if I lost you to I don't know what I'd do. This isn't about love it's about me just not being right for you"  
His hand was shaking against mine, giving away his emotions. As I looked into his deep chocolate eyes I saw doubt in his eyes, as if this wasn't what he truly wanted. It made me want to grab him and hold him, never let go, but I couldn't bring myself to.  
"I love you so much" He grabbed my hand tighter in his and used it to drag me closer to him. He held me to his body for a few seconds before his lips found mine. The kiss was passionate, hurried, giving away the need we both felt and the desire we'd kept inside for too long. It escalated quickly, clothes were thrown across the room in a flurry of passion, sweet kisses dotting each other's tired skin, whispers of sweet nothings passing between us. My brain was full of nothing but the taste of his lips and the feel of his breath upon my neck, I was completely lost in him, and I liked it.

We both lay naked upon his bed, holding each other tightly as the weight of our actions hit us like a freight truck.  
"Dora.."  
"Remus"  
"I'm sorry, for everything I've put you through, it was selfish of me. I just wanted to protect you. I've never loved anyone the way I love you and I didn't know what to do" His voice cracked slightly and his eyes seemed strangely wet.  
"And now you do?" I asked softly, scared of his response. He was silent for a moment in which my heart sped up considerably in anticipation. I didn't want to hear his answer, I wanted to lay here forever with him, like this, and forget the war and full moons and death and relationships. Just me and him forever.  
"Yes. I want to be with you Dora, I'm done running, and I'm done fighting it. I don't want to leave you again."  
My heart soared and I knew my face broke into a smile so large that it hurt my unused cheek muscles.  
"If you'll have me of course" His face was tinted red with his blush, looking at me with unsure eyes, as if he expected me to get up and leave.  
"Of course I'll have you, now shut up and kiss me"

**{A/N: Thank You for reading! SO MUCH ANGST .This is possibly the longest oneshots I've written so far. As I said, I got this prompt from Tumblr and took some time thinking about it. I have several headcanons and ideas how this played out but this was the one that came first when I started trying to write them. I struggled a bit half way through though and kinda lost the thread of what I was writing, so I hope it isn't too sucky. Hope you enjoyed it! PLEASE REVIEW AND MAKE ME A VERY HAPPY REMADORA SHIPPER! }**


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